Monday, October 6, 2008

Your Advice Please!

Many know that my oldest daughter, Sam, is from my first marriage. We have been in a custody case over the summer and still trying to come to SOME kind of agreement. Just when I think we may be coming to an agreement, my ex goes and does a bunch of things behind my back. He does this on purpose he says because my standards for Sam are "too high".

My question is a parenting one and has to do with dating guidelines. We follow the "For the Strength of Youth" pamphlet from The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints pretty strictly. I say strictly, because I am finding many parents do not follow it much at all, which makes my parenting job much more difficult when compared to "other LDS parents" on a regular basis.

The question is this: Would you allow a 16 year-old daughter to go on a weekend trip with her boyfriend's family?

In my mind, this is a cut-and-dry, one-size-fits-all answer. You either do or you don't based on your dating guidelines for your children. The event has already passed for us, but I bring this question up because I have discovered there are many things that I needed to have set in my mind BEFORE the children ask. The more we say to ourselves "it depends", the more we leave it open for interpretation and arguement by the child...and I say child because 16 is still a child as far as maturity goes.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Goodness! I am so sorry you have to deal with this over and over! I haven't really read what the pamphlet says on dating lately since that isn't an issue for us, although I should read it now that you pointed out we should know ahead what the answer is when we are asked.

    Sixteen is too young in my opinion. It doesn't matter if he is the Bishop's son and she is the Stake President's daughter... Satan is still there to tempt them. At 16 they need to be not so emotionally involved with each other that they go on vacations together.

    I drove to Utah by myself with my boyfriend when I was 17, but we had set some strict physical boundaries early in our relationship and I feel our friendship was different. Plus, we prayed together and read the scriptures on our trip...I don't know if Sam would do that right now with her boyfriend. :-)

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  2. My parents said "N-0". And I'm glad they did. I'll have the same answer for my kids.

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  3. Oh, and I like the title of your blog. Love it!

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  4. Yes - I'm glad at least some people agree with what I WOULD have said if I had been consulted...but I wasn't. In fact, the whole thing was handled very deceitfully.

    I'm glad you like my blog title...I think I heard it somewhere...;-)

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  5. Holy Cow! I cannot believe those two... Moore deceit?! (Ummm...I mean more deceit...) I would have been livid! Yea, I'm sure she is loving living over there right now.... So, so sorry....

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  6. I don't even have to think about this one! The answer from the Whitaker household is a definitive NO. We don't even allow/encourage/discuss "boyfriends" because we believe that God will bring a boy/girl into our lives and our child's life at the right time and there won't be much of a need to "date" because marriage to this person will be the only thing they will be able to think about! I know it sounds far-fetched to most, but we are going back to the old-fashioned rules of courtship; dad is the first filter to the daughter, dating is not necessary, and marriage is the only reason to become more than friends with a boy! We have so much love in our family too, that we feel our daughters won't crave the affections of a young man until she is truly ready to marry. I know--WACKO we are aren't we!

    BTW -- yes they sell Equate with division, mult, and fractions pieces, but my 2nd grader can't handle more than add. & sub. right now, so we just took those pieces out of the bag for now.

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  7. The first thing that popped out of my head as I was reading your post was no way!

    There is the true statement that kids that age will find a way to 'get into trouble' no matter how strict you are, but I don't believe encouraging them to partake in over night functions together is a smart idea.

    You could say, well that would depend on the parents of the boyfriend, but parents are not always awake!

    That is to bad that they are doing things behind your back. I know it is hard to have a teenager, but just remind yourself that you have given Sam what she needs to know to live a happy life. She might not be doing everything that she should (what teenager does) but what you have taught her is still there and when she gets over rebelling she will remember that.

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  8. WOW! This issue brings back memories. I remember when Ryan and I were dating and you and Ryan were going up to "the cabin" for the weekend. I remember when Ryan called to invite me, and your parents called my mom. I had been raised to know it was inappropriatte and told Ryan and you I couldn't go without even asking my mom (I blamed it on her though) so imagine her surprise when she got a call from Dwight explaining that you would be there to chaperone.:-). I was just barely 17. I would tell Sam that I didn't go and still got the guy! In fact, that is probably the only reason that I did. Love at sixteen does exist, and I can say that after almost fourteen years of marriage, but the truest form of love is nurished by and demands respect. Not just for the other party and yourself, but for heavenly father and his laws. The answer is an obvious No Way! Ryan wants me to add that wisdom comes with age and that it is obvious that both you and he would never allow that now.

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  9. I do remember that trip...

    I was 22 at the time and I was not even aware that you (Anne) were asked to go at first. I mentioned it to Ryan and had no idea your age or the pressure that my dad put on you to attend.

    The trip ended early because one of the guys that went was pressuring me...We left the very next day.

    I can say that I am raising my children very different than how I was raised. This is why I spend so much time learning the standards of the gospel of Jesus Christ and applying them to our lives. I hope that those who know me have seen the positive changes I have applied to my life.

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