Is It Too Late to Change My Mind?

Women are allowed to change their mind...right? I would meet the stereotype for once I guess. LOL! Well, I'm beginning to feel like a lot of my decisions lately are not working out. So...should I change my mind and back out...or stick to it...or admit defeat and say, "I'm sorry, but this was a mistake and I'd like to bow out gracefully." I'm not sure what to do at this point.

Decision #1 - Moving to Flagstaff

Mike loves Flagstaff, the kids like it here, and I tolerate it. Not because of the snow or beautiful trees, but because of the people and the cost of living. I have made MANY good friends here, but the majority of people are complete wackos! I am sick of seeing "I Love OBAMA" and "Obama/Biden" bumper stickers. I'm sick of hearing liberals talk about being open minded and then actually turning out to be unable to listen to any point of view but their own. I'm tired of being called a "Phoenician" and being made fun of because I'm wearing gloves and a heavy coat when they are wearing a sweatshirt.

Don't even get me started on the cost of living here...

I really want to move out of Arizona all together. My biggest problem is that Sam wants to stay in Mesa with her dad, which is where she lives now. It breaks my heart to think of living so far away from her, but she is an adult now and will continue to move towards her own life and away from parents being influential on a daily basis. Letting go has been VERY hard, but I know it is part of parenting, just like potty training and weaning. This is just another major step (the last step really) towards complete independence.

Decision #2 - Foster Parenting

This is probably not a surprise for many of you, but I don't think we are cut out to be a foster family. Not because of the kids, but because of CPS and other agencies that SAY they are about the children and really do not advocate for the children they represent. They are either cynical or accept the status quo of dealing with children as a number rather than a human being. I wanted to help children, but I'm finding that it is so stressful for me to fight for the children that it is causing me to have difficulty dealing with my anxiety problems.

Most of the children we have had in our home have been really good kids with rotten parents. We have had a couple that are so messed up by their parents that I do not see how they will ever live a normal life. It is so tragic that my heart hurts for them, but I cannot save them. No matter how hard I try. They have needs that our family cannot fix and the agencies refuse to get them what they really need. It is so sad.

Decision #3 - Living on Acreage

I have always dreamed of living on a large lot or on acreage....until we had to mow it and shovel it! If we had the money to truly maintain it as it should be maintained, then I can see how it would be advantageous to have at least 1 acre. As it stands now, the land drains our money and energy. Just shoveling the driveway takes all day. We just need the income to buy all the things to make living here easier. When we move we plan on downsizing to a manageable house/lot size.

The only thing I love is not hearing my neighbors. In Queen Creek we could hear our neighbor swearing and beating his kids. So this is definitely an improvement, although a little freaky sometimes because at night it seems like there is nobody around. Spooky!

Crazy Scedule Just Ramped Up to a NEW Level

Just when I was thinking, "Wow, I survived the first crazy week. I can do this!" I find out very quickly that Heavenly Father has another plan for me...let's just call it more crazy than I thought...

• CPS Manager informs me I have to take a child for a special doctor's visit...and by the way it is right in the middle of nap and couldn't be scheduled at another time. Heaven forbid we make an appointment during the parent's visitation time (which is more important than the chidlren's happiness or well-being).
  
• The transportation people call me and say, by the way so-and-so is having a baby and could you transport the kids for this-and-that. My answer, "I don't get paid enough to do that." Just kidding...I really said, "I'm sorry we already have plans. You'll have to find someone else to transport."
• The kids counselor tells the transport people (doesn't bother to call me herself) that she has to move the kids counseling visit up to 8am. I call her and say, "No, we can't do any appointments before 9am." These kids don't like early mornings and take forever to get ready. Plus, I'm transporting for Seminary at that time. It's kind of hard to be in two places at once. I get a call that counseling cannot be skipped this week and the only other option is....1pm...again right in the middle of nap. Does anybody care? Nope. The counselor's answer to the fact they will miss nap is, "Well they might be a little cranky." A little! Have you seen them without a nap? No, but I have!
  

So...just when I thought I had my schedule down and everyone would be happy, the crap hits the fan. Have you ever had a child who could not skip nap without melting down every 5 minutes? Well, we have two of them.

OK - So I just ranted and raved online, but it really is a pain. I'm beggining to think that the parent's rights and needs are placed way ahead of the foster children's.

Embarking the Insanity Train

Why is it that I have difficulty handling my schedule? I know I should get rid of some things...but what? Showering?

Here is what a normal weekday looks like...

7:00am Get Kids up, Breakfast
8:00am Seminary Drop-Off (20 minutes each way)
8:30am Foster Kids leave to visit a parent - Mom and Dad have different visitation days.
9:00am Start School w/ Christian
10:30am Seminary Pick-Up (20 minutes each way)
11:00am Start School w/ Marlayna
12:00pm Lunch
12:30pm Back to School
1:15pm Foster Kids arrive home
1:30pm Foster Kids go down for nap
3:00pm Finished with School - Foster Kids get up from Nap
3:15pm Snack Time
3:30pm Appointments - CPS Workers, Counseling, Doctors, Therapy, etc. (Almost every day there is something)
5:30pm Dinner
6:30pm Guitar Classes, Mutual, Scouts, etc.
8:30pm Foster Kids bedtime
10:30pm Mike gets home
Midnight - Bedtime for me if I'm lucky

There is not even time on here to bathe the kids every day. I have to try to wake them up earlier, which makes for very cranky kids, or bathe them only on the nights we do not have anything outside the home...like Monday and Thursday and Sunday. Thank goodness their parents feed them morning snack and lunch.

Fostering is a full-time job...and I don't mean taking care of the kids. I mean the extensive over scheduling! These kids have no down time. They never get to relax. No wonder foster kids have behavior problems. They can never be little kids. They have more appointments than a college student. I had to buy a planner just to keep track of all their meetings, visits with parents, counseling, therapy, doctor appointments, etc. I've decided that fostering is WAY underpaid. I make lass than $1 per hour, per kid to take care of all this stuff. So basically less than $2 an hour. I've been accused of doing this for money...well...you be the judge.